Monday, May 15, 2017

Foot Follies - Day 17

Only two weeks into this, and the mobility issues are driving me crazy. So much that I have done too much, hurt myself, and run back to the doctor for x-rays. Well, that was a scary experience. The podiatrist took much clearer x-rays than the hospital, and the break was very obvious, looking like a yawning chasm that my body is somehow supposed to superglue back together. He gave me 3 weeks to show some healing, otherwise he will order a bone stimulator, which just by name, gave me anxiety. However, it looks to be a machine similar to the TENS unit I have for my hip and shoulder. Not painful, just another reason to remain in one spot.

I speed around on the knee scooter, which is quite a bit of fun. Getting it in and out of the car at the office is not so fun. Until I get it on the ground I have to balance as much as possible on my good leg and one crutch. In the house I am allowed some careful steps to bathroom and kitchen, but use a crutch for any more than that. When I remember.

Thankfully, the boot can come off to sleep and shower. However, getting up to go to the bathroom at night means either crawling there, or putting the boot back on. Then, taking it off when I get back to bed. Just try to undo all those "hook and loop" straps at 3 AM in a quick, quiet way.

The boot itself is becoming furry, as it accumulates more and more dog hair on it. Of course, this had to happen to me in Spring, the time of year when Zelda is at Shed-Level 4, Preparing for Hot Weather. The only level of shedding worse than that is Shed-Level 5 - Earth is Falling Into the Sun. So currently, it looks like I am wearing some mangy apres-ski boot made from the hide of a balding Yeti.

I try to remember to lean on one crutch as much as possible while hobbling around the house or my desk at work. I imagine I am quite a sight as I roll through the parking lot on the scooter, tote bag over one shoulder, and crutch hitched up on the other like a rifle. I imagine a new Olympic Summer sport in which instead of cross country skiing and shooting, competitors knee scooter the trail and then target shoot while balancing on one foot and a crutch.

Sometimes I am tempted to revert back to my old Riflettes days and break out into a killer Queen Anne's Salute with the crutch. But I don't think my bad foot could take throwing the crutch into the air and catching it as I go down on one knee. Not yet anyway.  But extreme knee scootering or a military-style crutch color guard may be in my future. After all, I have previously described my life like this:

"Riding a unicycle on a tightrope while juggling flaming chainsaws. Blindfolded." 

I should be setting some world records soon.

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