There has been a little break in action here at Swamp Central. By that I mean, there are no workers under my house, performing inscrutable procedures. I’ve had the time to re-examine what has gone on, and how, quite possibly, my own distress taken advantage of. First of all, standing water under one’s house is no joke. Specters of mold, mosquitoes, collapsing foundation walls and dollar bills being sucked down the drain at hyper speed are not crazy panic-induced illusions. They are all possible. However, they are not inevitable.
Saturday, July 6, 2019
Monday, July 1, 2019
|Welcome Back to Square One! Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Square One! Tonight we have a breathtaking show for you! Hair-raising feats sure to take your breath away! Comedy to leave you rolling on the floor! Tonight, at great expense we present the comedy stylings of Jersey Girl, warming you up for the grand finale — the daredevil only known by the initials, LOML."
(applause and cheering)
Jersey Girl: Hello Jamesburg! Glad to be with you tonight! Especially because it isn’t raining! Because it has been raining a long time in Jersey!
Crowd: How long has it been raining?
Jersey Girl: It’s been raining so long; the dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark have gone extinct!
Jersey Girl: And in addition to that, it’s been raining so hard!
Crowd: How hard has it been raining?
Jersey Girl: It’s been raining so hard my house is “underwater" — both literally and figuratively!
Heckler: Hope you had some liquid assets to bail you out!
"Thanks Jersey Girl. Looks like LOML is ready to perform his feat of unmitigated strength and bravery. Please, we need complete silence as he dons his protective facemask, safety gloves and boots. Notice the headlamp — this could go out at any time, leaving LOML in complete darkness during is descent. I direct your attention to the trap door being opened by our lovely assistant."
After the trap door is opened fully, LOML gazes down into the chasm. He adjusts his mask, and flicks on his headlamp. With a wave to the crowd, he begins to slowly lower himself into the darkness. The crowd gasps as his feet hover close to the gaping Pit of Sump, just missing it at the last second. He takes a deep breath, drops to his hands and knees and begins to crawl. As he disappears into the void, the crowd holds their breath.
“Yes!” comes the muffled voice. I’ve reached the Pool of Groundwater, and I can see the Hanging Wires of Electricity.” There is a sound of splashing. “I’m ok! It’s clean water!” Then the voice goes silent.
Jersey Girl hovers over the chasm opening. The crowd begins to murmur. “Pull him out!” someone shouts. Then suddenly, a light appears, and LOML crawls back into the chasm, waving his cellphone triumphantly. “I have pictures!” he shouts. He hoists himself out of the hole, tosses his mask aside, and is greeted by a relieved Jersey Girl who looks as if she wants to hug him, but then remembers where he has been. “To the showers!” she proclaims.
(The crowd goes wild.)
Tonight’s show is brought to you courtesy of Rising Water Tables, Inc. Tune in tomorrow for the next exciting installment.