While I spend a lot of time on computers, and have become a power user for some software programs and operating systems, my expertise in “cyber security” doesn’t rise much beyond controlling spam and keeping stuff off the internet. I’ve never fallen for an email about how I can share millions of dollars with an ousted despot, and I’ve no interest in foreign beauties who want to correspond with me because of my wonderful email address they just got from someone’s hacked contact list. I only laugh when something completely written in a foreign language or characters shows up in my mailbox. However, I have been disturbed to see that unnamed persons with locations in Russia have been looking at my LinkedIn profile. So, I have a healthy respect for the abilities of Russian hackers. I’ve been waiting to hear about a new system that can block them. And now, I think I’ve found it.
My radical idea is for government entities that need classified documents made really, really secure, is to give them to Hyundai Motor Finance. This is an operation whose security is so impenetrable, that even Hyundai USA cannot crack it.
Here’s how it works.
Say you have an important document, something like the title to a car. You certainly don’t want this document to fall into the wrong hands, especially if you are the lien holder for this car and you want to get paid. You give this document to Hyundai Motor Finance and they send it to a mysterious title storage company. My theory is that the document then goes into a secret underground bunker at Area 51, but I have no proof of it.
If, in the rare circumstance that you may need this document —like maybe you have actually paid off the car weeks ago—the procedure to get that document released from document prison is not rivaled by anything else, except perhaps the Nuclear Launch Codes. If you make a mistake in your request, the reaction is complete silence on their part, allowing them to move the document further down in the bunker. They know, eventually you will try to find out why the document never arrived, and here the beauty of their security system is revealed.
The secret title company cabal can only be communicated with by fax. Genius! Who is spending time trying to hack faxes these days! And not just any fax system. A system that sends the fax through a secret and circuitous route that takes 72 hours to process. Questions about this request cannot be made directly by mere mortal consumers, but requires the assistance of a Customer Service Rep. And here, the system goes from genius to truly brilliant. First, as a matter of policy, each Customer Service Rep is given a different set of information and instructions. They cannot confirm or deny anything that another Customer Service Rep has said, even though they say they are looking at “your complete records.” They may request you re-fax your request, but will never let you know if they got it, and if it is an acceptable offering to the Title gods.
Requests to speak directly with the Title gods are denied, as there is no incoming or outgoing direct spoken communication allowed, not even by the Customer Service Rep. It is possible that, in an attempt to pacify a caller and hold them off for another day, they will pretend to speak with the Title gods, come back on the line and tell you that your request will be expedited. They may even have a little joke on you, saying that if you send another fax by close of business, your document will be sent out by overnight delivery, THAT VERY DAY.
Take my word for this. Do not explain that you are not at work, where there is a fax, because your car is untitled, unregistered and illegal to drive. Do not say that you will attempt to find a fax machine somewhere nearby. Do not run across town to said fax machine to meet the end of day deadline. If you do, you will fall on your face in the middle of the street, and drag yourself to the fax machine location, all for naught. A call to the Customer Service rep (#8 you have spoken to) will reveal the truth about the process, the absolute impossibility for ANYTHING to be expedited, and the chances of you getting the title to your car anytime soon being less than zero. Besides, even if they COULD do it, the overnight delivery company has already been there and gone.
Also, don’t fall for being told to call the Hyundai Consumer Affairs team. (Which, strangely enough, shows up on the internet as being located right here in New Jersey, but whose phones are answered in Arizona). Even this special team of problem solvers is nothing but another call center that will tell you to call back Hyundai Motor Finance Customer Service, because they “cannot intervene” in finance company matters. Even their own finance company.
So, how can anyone hack this system, when Hyundai corporate has set up a system in which they can’t even talk to their own finance company? I suggest that they run to the CIA TODAY, and offer up their security system for the protection of classified government documents. Then, turn the care of their own documents over to someone who knows what they are doing.