While I spend a lot of time on computers, and have become a
power user for some software programs and operating systems, my expertise in “cyber
security” doesn’t rise much beyond controlling spam and keeping stuff off the
internet. I’ve never fallen for an email
about how I can share millions of dollars with an ousted despot, and I’ve no
interest in foreign beauties who want to correspond with me because of my
wonderful email address they just got from someone’s hacked contact list. I
only laugh when something completely written in a foreign language or
characters shows up in my mailbox. However, I have been disturbed to see that
unnamed persons with locations in Russia have been looking at my LinkedIn
profile. So, I have a healthy respect for the abilities of Russian hackers.
I’ve been waiting to hear about a new system that can block them. And now, I
think I’ve found it.
My radical idea is for government entities that need
classified documents made really, really secure, is to give them to Hyundai
Motor Finance. This is an operation whose security is so impenetrable, that
even Hyundai USA cannot crack it.
Here’s how it works.
Say you have an important document, something like the title
to a car. You certainly don’t want this document to fall into the wrong hands,
especially if you are the lien holder for this car and you want to get paid. You
give this document to Hyundai Motor Finance and they send it to a mysterious
title storage company. My theory is that the document then goes into a secret
underground bunker at Area 51, but I have no proof of it.
If, in the rare circumstance that you may need this
document —like maybe you have actually paid off the car weeks ago—the procedure to get that
document released from document prison is not rivaled by anything else, except
perhaps the Nuclear Launch Codes. If you make a mistake in your request, the
reaction is complete silence on their part, allowing them to move the document
further down in the bunker. They know, eventually you will try to find out why
the document never arrived, and here the beauty of their security system is
The secret title company cabal can only be communicated with
by fax. Genius! Who is spending time trying to hack faxes these days! And not
just any fax system. A system that sends the fax through a secret and
circuitous route that takes 72 hours to process. Questions about this request cannot be made directly by mere mortal
consumers, but requires the assistance of a Customer Service Rep. And here, the
system goes from genius to truly brilliant. First, as a matter of policy, each
Customer Service Rep is given a different set of information and instructions.
They cannot confirm or deny anything that another Customer Service Rep has
said, even though they say they are looking at “your complete records.” They may request you re-fax your request, but
will never let you know if they got it, and if it is an acceptable offering to
the Title gods.
Requests to speak directly with the Title gods are denied,
as there is no incoming or outgoing direct spoken communication allowed, not even by the Customer Service Rep. It is
possible that, in an attempt to pacify a caller and hold them off for another
day, they will pretend to speak with the Title gods, come back on the line and
tell you that your request will be expedited. They may even have a little joke
on you, saying that if you send another fax by close of business, your document
will be sent out by overnight delivery, THAT VERY DAY.
Take my word for this. Do not explain that you are not at
work, where there is a fax, because your car is untitled, unregistered and illegal to drive. Do not say
that you will attempt to find a fax machine somewhere nearby. Do not run across town to said fax machine to meet the end of day
deadline. If you do, you will fall on
your face in the middle of the street, and drag yourself to the fax machine
location, all for naught. A call to the Customer Service rep (#8 you have
spoken to) will reveal the truth about the process, the absolute impossibility
for ANYTHING to be expedited, and the chances of you getting the title to your
car anytime soon being less than zero. Besides, even if they COULD do it, the overnight delivery company has already been there and gone.
Also, don’t fall for being told to call the Hyundai Consumer
Affairs team. (Which, strangely enough, shows up on the internet as being
located right here in New Jersey, but whose phones are answered in Arizona).
Even this special team of problem solvers is nothing but another call center that
will tell you to call back Hyundai Motor Finance Customer Service, because they
“cannot intervene” in finance company matters. Even their own finance company.
So, how can anyone hack this system, when Hyundai corporate
has set up a system in which they can’t even talk to their own finance company?
I suggest that they run to the CIA TODAY, and offer up their security system for
the protection of classified government documents. Then, turn the care of their
own documents over to someone who knows what they are doing.