Sometimes it seems like the hits just keep coming. You are caught in a seemingly endless loop of emergencies, disasters, mistakes and just plain old daily responsibilities. You are stressed, exhausted, and barely coping. People who know you are worried. Their offers of help may be met with resistance, even hostility. Your brain no longer has the resilience needed to manage.
Although you feel like it, you are not alone. Recently I reconnected with some high school friends at a reunion. Conversations turned to high school life, and all of us complimenting each other on how successful they were. Each of us envied the other for their perfect life lives. Then came the true stories. Abusive homes, illnesses, mental health issues, substance use issues, and a common denominator of lack of self-confidence. As teenagers we rarely shared our issues. In those years, even reaching out to school for help was met with dismissal, even derision.
In one respect, it made some of us self-reliant. Others of us suffer psychological repercussions to this day. Add managing present day life, and it is no wonder our resilience often resembles a tattered flag desperately trying to hang onto the pole.
The biggest reason for sagging resilience is how the brain works. The brain – including the amygdala – stores not just trauma, but also positive experiences. However, these experiences are not given equal priority. There is a debate on the ratio of how many positive experiences offset negative ones.
This might explain why, during testimony at Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court hearings, Christine Blasey Ford described sharp memories of derisive laughter and physical abuse, but less sharp memories of other events during that time period. Trauma take priority.
Working on trauma is important, and therapeutic options should be utilized. A loving partner or a good friend to talk to, can be invaluable. There are also habits you can develop that helps build back your resilience. Here are my 5 favorite habits to try:
The first habit Mindfulness. Mindfulness meditations are useful to calm and soothe and can be very helpful during times of stress. The other way to use mindfulness is to actually be “mindful” during your daily life. How many things are you doing “mindlessly?” Do you have a feeling of time passing and you don’t remember what you were doing? Are you thinking about what you were doing this morning or what you have to do later rather than focusing on the task at hand? Take time to notice this and redirect yourself to the present moment.
Habit 2 addresses Gratitude. Recent studies using functional MRIs have shown exciting changes to the brain that coordinate with enhanced happiness as a result of purposeful gratitude activities. Make time for gratitude journals, gratitude letters and simple gratitude gestures to others. Thinking of 3 things you are grateful for each evening is a great habit – with the understanding that there will be times the only thing you feel grateful for, is that the day is over. Remind yourself tomorrow can be different!
A sense of Purpose is the focus of habit 3. Having a “reason for getting up in the morning,” is arguably one of the most important and powerful factors in happiness, health and longevity, even if your career work is not exactly aligned. Consider writing your own personal mission and vision statements. A simple example of a vision statement – a perfect you in a perfect world – could be “All shelter pets will find happy homes.” While your mission statement sets out how you would help accomplish this. For example: “My mission is to help out at my local shelter one day a week to re-home pets.”
Anthropologists now believe that Laughter, the subject of habit 4, is a survival mechanism existing in humans before language, or even a sense of humor, developed. Laughter is so powerful it can both lift up the oppressed when used for healing or take down oppressors when used as a weapon. There are laughter exercises (laughter yoga, laughter wellness) that introduces the concept of laughter as a well-being exercise that does not rely on jokes or humor. Laughter releases endorphins and is one of the few habits that benefit both physical and mental health.
Habit 5, Happiness is both as a state of being and a much maligned “pursuit.” What is happiness and why is global society so focused on it that some countries are using it instead of a GDP? Yet, happiness doesn’t fall out of the sky, and in reality, it can be a very fleeting feeling. A better way of thinking of happiness is to have a sense of contentment and life satisfaction in the present moment. Including some of the previous habits above can help you achieve these feelings, and at the same time, restore your resilience for when life is more difficult.
Noreen Braman
Coming soon: "What Gets You Out of Bed in the Morning?" A handbook for finding personal purpose, mission, and vision after age 50. Watch for availability on the books page of: www.njlaughter.com