The Funny Thing About Glasses - My first blog entry of 2016

Wishing us all a New Year full of peace, love, and laughter.

Wearing glasses adds an additional dimension to life, and not only the fact that they make the world more visible. They create their own ridiculous and sometimes hilarious world of rituals, products, and “situations.”

For example, consider these observations:

1.     No matter how diligent one is about putting glasses down in the same place every time; we spend a decent amount of time looking for those glasses.  This is a ridiculous chore because depending on one’s visual acuity without the glasses, they can be right there in front of you, but you don’t see them. They can also be, on top of your head, in between the nightstand and the bed, inside your shirt that you tossed into the hamper, under the couch cushions, next to the computer keyboard or on the floor (and hopefully, not found by the sickening crunch of glasses being stepped on). It almost sounds logical to have a pair of glasses to put on specifically for looking for your glasses.

2.     Nothing attracts filth, fingerprints and smudges like a pair of glasses. Dust, rain, pets, children, makeup, clothing and just air are attracted to your glasses, which exert the same gravitational pull as a black hole. There are cloths, wet wipes, and special tissues for cleaning them. More often than not, breathing on the lens and wiping with your shirt sleeve is the cleaning process of choice. Using the special spray solution on your glasses puts you at risk of actually spraying yourself in the eye, because, of course, once you remove your glasses to clean them, you really can’t see which way the sprayer is facing. And while I may not see the teeny type on the side of my eyebrow pencil, a speck on my glasses looks like a 16-wheeler about to hit me head-on.

3.      Unless they are made of titanium and you are some kind of ultra-careful superhero, glasses are constantly getting out of shape. Wire frames bend and collapse. Plastic frames warp and break.  Tiny screws loosen and fall out. Lenses wobble. For those of us wearing progressive lenses, there is a constant battle to keep the glasses on the right part of the nose so that all the various regions of magnification stay lined up correctly. I think more of us are walking around with damaged Harry-Potter-reminiscent glasses than the shiny pristine glasses worn by all those sporty people in the eyeglass store advertisement.

4.     Eyeglasses also interfere with a multitude of things that many people take for granted. Haircuts must be designed around the glasses; not so short on the sides that the glasses make the hair stand out from your head like a porcupine quill. Hats and caps can put uncomfortable pressure on the earpiece of your glasses, and a motorcycle helmet can just about implant those earpieces into your skull. Hugging someone will just about guarantee a huge smudge or even a nose injury. I’ve had pet birds who, while sitting on my shoulder, absolutely could not leave my eyeglasses alone (babies too!) And there is always the debate when swimming as to whether or not to wear the glasses and just sort of doggy paddle, or leave them off and risk paddling nose-first into the side of the pool.

5.     Glasses do have magical properties. They make Clark Kent unrecognizable as Superman. According to the back pages of some comic books, they can bestow x-ray vision on wearers, and now, computerized glasses can keep you in constant contact with the Internet as well as photographing everything you see.

As I write this on my computer, I am wearing my special computer glasses that allow me to see the screen better, let me read things on my desk, but blur the heck out of my eyesight when I try to look around. For non-computer work I have lenses that gradually change strength from distance, to mid distance, to close distance. That pair has a matching pair of sunglasses so I can see the road and the dashboard clearly. And then there is the pair of glasses with the bushy eyebrows and mustache attached. Those might not help me see better, but in many ways they increase my vision. In fact, they may be the most important glasses I have.

Read more humor, including my story, "Tracker Panic" in "Your Glasses Are On Top of Your Head." There are also lots of funny books here, including my book, "Treading Water." If you buy from this link, the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor benefits.